What Hurts The Most
by IkarusCazadores
Summary: Oneshot Song fic to What Hurts The Most. Miley's thoughts on her love for Lily, how it hurts her, and what it is that hurts the most. Liley onsided but may be a prologue to a bigger story.


Okay guys enjoy the story

Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah Montana. End of Story.

Summary: Miley's thoughts on her love for Lily...sad...suggestive ending in a depressing kind of way.

_HMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHM_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_There are alot of hard things in life. There are those who deal with hunger, poverty, war, and abuse everyday. Those things make me realize that as hard as things get for me, they'll never be that bad. So when bad things happen to me, I try not to let them stress me out._

_**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me**_

_I can deal with long boring hours of school. They'll be over eventually. I can deal with overwhelming loads of homework. I always manage to pull through somehow. I can deal with Oliver getting into another bad situation with some girl's boyfriend. It's not that bad, and it's usually good for a laugh or two if I'm feeling down. I can deal with Jackson bugging me all the time. He's my brother after all, I know he really cares. And I can deal with everything that comes with being Hannah Montana. The paparazzi, the rumours, the obsessed fans. Having to make excuses to the friend who don't know about my celebrity life. Having to miss out on school events and such. I love to sing, I love the fans, it's what I do. _

_Yeah...sometimes things get rough, but you just have to roll with the punches when life throws them out. And then sometimes it's all too much, sometimes I need to be alone to shed a few tears of frustration over life. Like when my mom died. That was the hardest, I miss her so much..._

_**I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me**__  
_

_But there's one thing in life that I just can't seem to deal with. The one thing that's always haunting me everywhere I go...even in my sleep. I can deal with everything else. Everything else I can just let go. But everything else isn't like this. This is love. And nothing compairs to what love can put you through. Usually I don't have a huge problem when I have a crush on a guy. Except...this time it's not a guy. It's a girl. And she doesn't even know._

_She tortures me. She's my best friend and I want so much more. But she could never like me like that. I try so hard not to let her notice. At first I was so scared about the feelings I had for her. I tried to ignore them and be normal. Hoping they would go away._

_**There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok**___

_I am so in love with her that it hurts. I mean it really physically hurts. There used to be just this dull ache inside of me. I wanted it to go away...oh god how I wanted it to go away. It was there with me, almost everyday...except..._

_Every morning when I greet her the sight of her smile lifts my spirits and warms me up. And for that exact moment that I first see her in the morning is wonderful, because in that second the pain doesn't exist. I don't understand how she makes me feel this way._

_**But that's not what gets me**_

_But when the moment is over, the ache comes back full force. Because then my mind begins to work again, and I realize the truth._

_**What hurts the most**_

_No matter how close we are, I'll always want to be closer than she'll ever let me._

_**Was being so close**_

_No matter how good of friends we are, the best in fact, I'll always want to be more than just a friend. But I could never tell her that._

_**And having so much to say**__  
_

_No matter how much time we spent together, it hurt, because I knew that every time would come to an end eventually._

_**And watching you walk away**_

_And then everything got so much worse. That dull ache in my body turned to sharp pains in my chest, everytime I saw them together. Yes, Them. Everytime I see her kiss him, hold him, laugh with him, and look at him fondly with those big blue eyes of hers. I get a sharp pain in my chest every time. Yes, she got back together with that cheating bastard Lucas. I don't know why she did...hell I don't even know how she found it in her to forgive him. I will never forgive him. Why would I ever need to fogive him? Because he holds everything I'll ever want and need in his arms everyday, and I know for a fact that he doesn't appreciate her as much as I do. He doesn't respect her like I do. He doesn't love her like I do. Infact he'll probably end up cheating on her again, and then I will have to deal with a broken hearted Lily, and the fact that my heart breaks a little more everytime she cry's over him. My heart breaks because in a perfect world I could prevent those tears..._

_In a perfect world...I could tell her I love her...but it's not._

_I heard a song the radio the other day. I think it was called What Hurts The Most. I was going to change the station but the words caught up with me, and I sat in my room and cried as the song faded to an end. I seem to cry alot these days. Because what hurts the most for me is..._

_**And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**_

_I don't want to try anymore...god I don't want to. I want to wake up one day and not have these feelings for Lily. I want everything to be back the way it used to be when I only had friendly feelings for her. I want to be able to meet her in the morning without thinking how beautiful she looks, how much I love her smile, and how hard I'm going to have to try not to stare at her all day._

_**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go**_

_It feels like I'm losing Lily to Lucas. She keeps spending more and more time with him, and less and less time with me...and Oliver too I guess. She doesn't even come to Hannah Montana things anymore if she's got a date with him...infact she'll cancel our plans if he just asks...we're only teenagers. She's throwing our friendship away for a boy she probably won't see again after highschool, and after he cheats on her again. I know he will._

_**But I'm doin' It**_

_It hurts ya, it hurts alot. But I'm going to try and deal...like I have for the past few months._

_**It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone**_

_I think Oliver is one of the only people I still talk to on a regular basis. I've become a bit anti-social, if you must know. I just don't see the point anymore, not really. But I think I might try, I think maybe if I try to talk to people and have a good time, I won't spend so much time up in my room depressed and crying over something that will never be._

_**Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' th this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**_

_I want to tell her so bad...but it's to late. If I said anything now it would ruin our entire friendship...and thats the one thing I have left...maybe I should tell someone. Not Lily...but someone. Maybe I should tell Oliver...he's still such a good friend to me..._

_**What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do  
**_

_I'm going to tell Oliver. And then I'm going to be done with it. D...O...N...E...DONE! I just can't take this pain anymore. I'm going to move on even if it kills me...which, you know...it might. Alright, enough moping around. Lily, if you ever find this old Diary of mine, know this. I love you. I love you with all my bleeding, broken heart. And I'll probably still love you with all thats left of it when it's all said and done. Let me tell you this Lily, a person can't help who they fall in love with, and it was just my bad luck to fall for you. You're a wonderful person Lily Truscott...smart...brave...beautiful...kind and a dozen other things. You've got a wonderful smile...and don't let anyone tell you other wise. Keep loving life as it is Lily, and don't let anyone ever bring you down. Especially Lucas...he's a horrible person Lily and I wonder everyday why you can't see it._

_Lily you are my one and only. I've only lived 17 years of life, but I already know that I will never feel a stronger love for anyone else. And now I hope these are the last words of love I will write in this Diary for you. Although more than likely they won't. I am going to move on now, try as hard as I can to lock my love for you away in the deepest part of my heart with the strongest chains._

_**Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do...**_

_I must be crazy, pouring my heart out to a stupid book that anyone could pick up and read. I read back over what I have written...a bit melodramatic...must come with being a song writter...and a teenager...but every word is true. I have come to several conclusions:_

_1) I love Lily Truscotte._

_2) I hate Lucas with a passion._

_3) I am going to tell Oliver._

_4) After I tell Oliver, I'm going to stop loving Lily._

_5) Phst! As if number four will ever happen in real life..._

_6) I'm going to love Lily forever..._

_and she'll never even know..._

_becuase if I let her know..._

_she'll hate me..._

_and I'll lose our friendship..._

_which is all I have left to hold on to._

_**End Miley's Diary Entry**_

A tear fell down and dampened the paper next to the last words written as Miley closed the little black book, feeling more meloncoly than every before. She had tried to convince herself she could get over Lily in her writting...but her muse had proven otherwise and she had felt more hopless than ever as she wrote the last part of the diary. She felt like she would walk around with the pain forever. She would always feel a blow to her fragile heart whenever Lily held someone other than Miley in her arms. And Miley would always feel a sharp pain in her chest with the accompanying anger and jeliousy every time she say Lucas with her blond friend. Always seemed like a long time to the 17 year old...and she dreaded it...

'Maybe...' she thought to herself, 'Maybe I should actually try to date someone else...' If she did maybe it could give her something other than Lily to think about all the time...and a hopeful but slightly spiteful part of her though, 'Maybe it would make Lily jealious...' Miley chuckled weakly out loud...as if that would ever happen. Only in her dreams...only in her dreams...

Miley stared down at the little black book. The book that held her biggest secret. She should hide it, she thought. But something stopped her. It was almost as if she wanted someone to find out her secret. She wanted someone to understand...

"After I tell Oliver..."she whispered to herself. "After I tell Oliver...I can rest..." having someone to share her secret with would make things easier she believed. Almost if she was handing some of the heavy feeling on her shoulders over to Oliver to bear.

She took the book in her hands, and pulled an old wooden box out from under the bed. She took off the lid and gently placed the Diary inside. This was where she kept all the little things that held important meaning to her...like the neckless her mother had given her...Jackson and her father knew about the box...but she also knew that they had enough respect to never think of opening it without her permission.

Miley's eyes began to droop as she closed the box, shoving it back under her bed, and made her way over to her bed. She lay herself under the warm covers and curled into a ball. Only in her dreams...only in her dreams could she and Lily be happily together...the way Miley wished they could be.

...only in her dreams...

...only in her dreams...

...her dreams were the place she found happiness...

...where everything is good and nothing is bad...

'It would be nice...to just sleep forever...and never wake up...' Miley thought as she drifted off. 'I think I prefer dreams to reality anyway...'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So how'd you like it guys? First Hannah Montana fiction ever and only the second I've ever actually written. This actually may be turned into a prologue for a longer story but for now it is a one shot.

The longer story I have in mind is called, It's Like This. Pairings starting at Lily/Lucas, Ollie/non, Miley/non...progressing to Lily/Lucas, Ollie/St.Sara, Miley/Jake, and ending as Liley and Ollie/OC with Lucas gallivanting off with the chick he will cheat on Lily with. Of course there will be revenge on Lucas curtosy of Miley, the Miley/Jake relationship is neither happy nor healthy and the source of much Drama. And then there is Oliver who will play an important part as well as having a kind of under-story to the main Lily/Miley one. How will Hannah fit into all this? Havent decided. The main idea of the whole thing being Miley loves Lily who is clueless and dating Lucas, who will cheat on her , Lily will start to feel the same way for Lily but is disgusted and rejects the feelings, fights between friends, Jake wants Miley back and will blackmail her to have her...bad relatioship there as I've said before ending in a tearful but happy ending for Lily/Miley lovers. Anyway if you wanna see me write it let me know, but it probably won't be posted for at least a month. If you have any plot bunnies that may fit the guidelines I'm always open to suggestions.

Kk...well guys...see ya laters. Icarus out.

P.S: I don't own What Hurts The Most lyrics by Rascal Flatts


End file.
